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My Faith Journey |
Someone asked, "How do you know that there is a God?" I can't prove that there is, but then, I don't have to prove it. I believe it. Here's my story.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is a God. I worked for many years as a nurse. In the course of those years, I worked with hospice patients. As their nurse, I was expected to sit with them while they died. On almost every occassion, the patient reported seeing an angel sitting with them. Within a few hours of seeing their angel, they passed. I also saw many miracles happen in the hospital. Patients who had tumors and were dying came in and the tumors were gone. Others, who were told that they had no chance of coming out of a coma or recovering from an accident did. A few, who were told that they would never walk again, did. Why? Their response was prayer or that God had given them the strength to push on.
Those are other peoples' experiences with prayer and God, though. My experience is this...For the last twenty years, my life has been a nightmare. In the first few years of the twenty, I was raped at 17. I was alone and far from home. My faith in God gave me the strength to get through it. I was also diagnosed with cancer at the age of 18, and I survived despite my prognosis.
Then, just five years later,I married the "love of my life." It wasn't what I expected, but I stayed with him for seven years, because I believed that when you marry someone, it is for life. My husband abused the children and me, so I finally got up the courage to leave him when my daughter was three and my son was nine months. He put me through years of agonizing court battles, but I trusted God to help me. In the end, he disappeared from our lives and we have not heard from him since 2002.
During this time, when my daughter turned 6 years old, she was diagnosed with Hirshsprung's Disease. She died on the operating table. When they brought her back, she was in a coma for three months. She told me after she woke that she heard the voice of a "man" tell her he was with her when she died. He told her not to be frightened and reassured her that he would be with her through the surgery. She watched the doctors operate on her and try to wake her up. She was able to describe everything they did while she was in there, including the instruments used, which no child would know. She underwent a total of eight surgeries and we lived in the hospital for two years.
In 2001, while I was dealing with court and my daughter's illness, my son was diagnosed with autism, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and my father was diagnosed with bladder and prostate cancer. I prayed for God to do His will, whatever that may be, but if he saw fit to help things to please do so. I turned all my worries over to Him, and in the end my son started to talk ( I cried the first time he called me Momma), my daughter was able to reverse and unreversable ostomy, my mom's mastectomy removed all the cancer, and my dad's radioactive isotopes destroyed his cancer.
My faith in God got me through what I thought were the worst times in my life, then...in January 2007, I became ill. I lost mobility, my muscles atrophied, and experienced the most excruciating pain of my life. I was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy in November of 2007. Unfortunately, while waiting on my diagnosis, I lost the job of my life and had to file bankruptcy. I had remarried three years before, and I was sure that I had found the true love of my life. I thought, that as long as I had him in my life, I could get through the rest of my life as a disabled, unemployed individual, who lived daily with the worst pain you can imagine. Then, in April 2008, I ended up in the hospital with heart failure and kidney failure. When the doctor diagnosed me with cancer, my second husband came home, and without a word to us, he packed up his bags, and disappeared from our lives, leaving us with no money, no food, and no help. I thought my life was over.
About a week after the diagnosis, I was sitting around wallowing in self-pity, when my father brought me a sunflower. It was like God was speaking to me right then and there. I remembered that the sunflower is God's favorite flower according to the Bible. It raises its head to the heavens and follows the light from morning til night, turning its head as the Sun moves. I had forgotten to turn my head to heaven...to God's light. From that day on, I knew that I could get better...emotionally. This verse stuck with me..."I am always loved and accepted by God, no matter what I experience or who may reject me." -- Romans 8:35 I may be crippled, ill, unemployed, broke, and abandoned by my husband, but I knew that God would never abandon me. I wasn't alone. I turned my troubles and my life back over to him. When I did, my life and my finances slowly started to turn around. God has sent many people to me as Earth angels, and when it looked like there wasn't anything else that could be done, God surprised me by having something show up.
Nothing is easier. In fact, my first husband lost his job this month, and we were using the child support to pay our mortgage and the children's health insurance, so now we may lose our home, but...I turned it over to God, and I won't waste my time worrying. Losing the child support also means that I won't be able to pay for the surgeries I need to remove my cancer, because I have to use the money to pay the mortgage. I know that He is there and that He is good. He doesn't want us to suffer, and He takes care of our needs. I know that things will work out. They may not work out the way I would like, but I have noticed when bad things happen, they are usually replaced with something better.
I guess, what I am trying to say is...I have no doubt that God exists. I just have faith that He is there.
I also wanted to add...I know that God is not responsible for the bad things in my life. Other people, poor choices, and heredity are responsible for them. God is there to help us cope with the things that happen to us. He is there to love us and support us. When we try to do things that go against God's plan for us, we make choices that can affect the things that happen to us. When we put our trust in God, things go more smoothly. He wants us to be happy. He doesn't want us to suffer. He is there to hold us when things are falling apart. He helps us to cope when we think we can't. He is incapable of doing anything bad. He is love. If we aspire to be more like him, we will develop an inner peace that overcomes the pain and sadness. His love is my strength, and I know that if I don't give up on Him, He will keep me safe. Even when we are angry with Him and feel like giving up on Him, He still walks with us. |
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